let me make it pretty for you

it was the color of ash
not an ash tree
just a dead tree
its bark came off like vines, crumbly
and insecure

it was easier to climb up than to get down
there was only one branch to sit on at the very top
and the wind swayed the entire fragile thing
but it was possible to make a handhold
by scratching away the ashy bark
to fit my need

i knew why you didn't come up
it was dark
the vines were flaking
and backwards
the branch probably couldn't support our weight anyways

so i sat on top
alone
watching from above
the running horse below
escape a lasso

love tree

love is just like an apple tree
you sit around to wait and see
if all your hard work has come to be
that perfect apple that looks so right
so u go ahead and take a bite
and you find out its just not ripe
you dont just pull it out of the ground
you still cherish this tree and keep it around
although you may get a frown
the freindship you have will keep your hearts bound
and no matter what you will keep it safe and sound
you will always check in and see how its been
and maybe in the future u can try it again
because this just might not be the right time of year
even though this time may shed a tear
you'll never let this tree have any fear
because no matter what you'll always be near

-kyle

myspace blog

Sunday, July 05, 2009
nothing to lose Current mood: breezy
I’m a little kid in a warped adult world. I am a part of a generation with something big to offer. I don’t believe in normal. I don’t believe superiority or inferiority. I believe in everyone's ability to produce wellness, substantial wellness for others to share in from just the energy from there core persona. I believe in perspective over experience and the opportunity to bloom. I believe in the equality of all human beings and the vital relation with nature we all come into this world with. I believe in the strength of my own spirit. and yours. I am all about the people and the potential we all have. individually and in numbers. learn what makes you yourself and harness it. and most importantly, share it.

going beyond pt2

also, with these relevations i have distinguished the difference between ego and life (the reality based off what we believe)

there is none


everything in life is a comparison to yourself
you see a handsome man on the street and compare him to every other man YOU'VE seen
you compare him to YOURself
you see a bug, twisted and struggling in a spiders web and you compare the scene to YOUR own fears of death
you can apply this theory to EVERYTHING in life
physically, mentally, emotionally

so,
to become in touch with what you really are: literally a radiating energy source (self) in a black hole (life)
you can grasp the separation of self and ego
you can grasp your place
because, if self is an energy source in a black hole, then the self can exceed infinitely
and if the self is constantly exceeding

you're in complete relation with every other energy source around you
with this type of affinity there is no comparison to be made
only relation

going beyond

november 2nd: sun is in scorpio, means Intense Scorpio stimulates transformation at the deepest level.

saturn in libra: Saturn will be entering Libra on October 30th, 2009. If you are a Libra, many challenges and new obligations will be put before you. Your acceptance of these challenges is revealed by your natal Sun and aspects. For all intents and purposes, the vibration will change from organizing and detailing everything and anything (Saturn in Virgo) to deciding what works and what doesn’t. Saturn will ask you to examine the area that it transits in order to update and revise outworn conditions that weaken this part of your life. You will use your Libra powers of artistic symmetry, affability, cardinality and social awareness to change the vision of Libra in your personal chart. Saturn is exalted in Libra and responds well. Saturn entering Libra will structure where the structure is weak. Stabilize any discordant situations and restructure, providing the needed structure that has been lost thru the past, to establish a new solid foundation for you to build upon.


first of all, this has been a series of events all leading up to this great profession.
i give some of the credit to the planets for giving these events structure and affirming what has happened.
and most of the credit to the one's who have seen this and professed it first. the teachers, intellectuals, optomists, reasoners, sceptics, philosophers, speculators, scientists, theorist, wisemen, visionaries, and students.

my first trancendence:
i traditionally sat cross legged, hands resting on knees, index finger and thumb together
i listened to medatative rainforest
i breathed long and deep
and first focused on thinking of fewer things
and then fewer
and then tried to focus completely on my breath
the more i concentrated on just the breathing the deeper i got
i thought about the infinite nature of myself and of everything else
i thought about infinite space
slowly, my hands and my mouth began to tickle and vibrate
this became more and more intense in my hands
it felt like they were being compressed and radiating at the same time
i lost all control of my hands as this vibration became more intense
on my right hand my fingers became erect
on my left hand my thumb middle and ring fingers were curled in, fore finger and pinky erect
this vibration spread into my arms, the front of my stomache and into my thighs
at some point it was almost whole body
it felt like something was squeezing my hands at different points on the hand
pressing fingertip to fingertip or just the palm itself, and definitely moving
i consiously came out of my mediation because it rapidly became uncomfortable and i was not able to relax my hands to their proper state
about ten minutes after decending my hands were still frozen as they were
slowly, as i continued to stop focusing on where i had just gone they began to relax

after coming down from this legitimate high here is what i've realized:
through meditation, i can strengthen my entire self
i feel so insanely, completely enlightened
i have just tapped into the cure for myself
now, i feel as if i can reach out and touch anything
infinite possibilities and so much potential
for the first time in my life i WANT to be strong
i can apply these things i learn through my mind to "reality"
like i have just reversed the spin of the planet i live on
i feel in control, i can confidently say I CAN, serious positive regulated progression is real for the first time ever

my green jacket

i found this old jacket in a box of my cousins old clothes
it was velvety and forest green
i wore it every day
until the little lint balls consumed it
and the buttons fell off
and the popular girls would ask me
"why do you wear that"

because it was my favorite color, and soft
and kept me warm

and i kept wearing it
loving it all the more
while i picked the lint balls off in class

2012

By Carlos BarriosCARLOS BARRIOS was born into a Spanish family on ElAltiplano, the highlands of Guatemala. His home was inHuehuetenango, also the dwelling place of the Maya Mamtribe. With other Maya and other indigenous traditionkeepers, the Mam carry part of the old ways on TurtleIsland (North America). They are keepers of time,authorities on remarkable calendars that are ancient,elegant and relevant.

Mr. Barrios is a historian, an anthropologist andinvestigator. After studying with traditional eldersfor 25 years since the age of 19, he has also became aMayan Ajq'ij, a ceremonial priest and spiritual guide,Eagle Clan.

Years ago, along with his brother, Gerardo, Carlosinitiated an investigation into the different Mayancalendars. He studied with many teachers. He says hisbrother Gerardo interviewed nearly 600 traditionalMayan elders to widen their scope of knowledge.

"Anthropologists visit the temple sites," Mr. Barriossays, "and read the inscriptions and make up storiesabout the Maya, but they do not read the signscorrectly. It's just their imagination... Other peoplewrite about prophecy in the name of the Maya. They saythat the world will end in December 2012. The Mayanelders are angry with this. The world will not end. It will be transformed. The indigenous have thecalendars, and know how to accurately interpret it,not others."

The Mayan Calendars comprehension of time, seasons,and cycles has proven itself to be vast andsophisticated. The Maya understand 17 differentcalendars, some of them charting time accurately overa span of more than ten million years. The calendarthat has steadily drawn global attention since 1987 iscalled the Tzolk'in or Cholq'ij. Devised ages ago andbased on the cycle of the Pleiades, it is still heldas sacred. With the indigenous calendars, nativepeople have kept track of important turning points inhistory. For example, the day keepers who study thecalendars identified an important day in the year OneReed, Ce Acatal, as it was called by the Mexicans.That was the day when an important ancestor wasprophesied to return, "coming like a butterfly." Inthe western calendar, the One Reed date correlates toEaster Sunday, April 21, 1519 the day that HernandoCortez and his fleet of 11 Spanish galleons arrivedfrom the East at what is today called Vera Cruz,Mexico.

When the Spanish ships came toward shore, nativepeople were waiting and watching to see how it wouldgo. The billowing sails of the ships did indeed remindthe scouts of butterflies skimming the ocean surface.

In this manner was a new era initiated, an era theyhad anticipated through their calendars. The Mayatermed the new era the Nine Bolomtikus, or nine Hellsof 52 years each. As the nine cycles unfolded, landand freedom were taken from the native people. Diseaseand disrespect dominated. What began with the arrivalof Cortez, lasted until August 16, 1987 - a date manypeople recall as Harmonic Convergence. Millions of people took advantage of that date to make ceremony in sacred sites, praying for a smooth transition to a new era, the World of the Fifth Sun.

From that 1987 date until now, Mr. Barrios says, wehave been in a time when the right arm of thematerialistic world is disappearing, slowly butinexorably. We are at the cusp of the era when peacebegins, and people live in harmony with Mother Earth.We are no longer in the World of the Fourth Sun, butwe are not yet in the World of the Fifth Sun. This isthe time in-between, the time of transition.

As we pass through transition there is a colossal,global convergence of environmental destruction,social chaos, war, and ongoing Earth changes.All this, Mr. Barrios says, was foreseen via thesimple, spiral mathematics of the Mayan calendars. "Itwill change," Mr. Barrios observes. "Everything willchange." He said Mayan Daykeepers view the Dec. 21,2012 date as a rebirth, the start of the World of theFifth Sun. It will be the start of a new era resultingfrom and signified by the solar meridian crossing thegalactic equator, and the earth aligning itself with the center of the galaxy.

At sunrise on December 21, 2012 for the first time in26,000 years the Sun rises to conjunct theintersection of the Milky Way and the plane of theecliptic. This cosmic cross is considered to be anembodiment of the Sacred Tree, The Tree of Life, atree remembered in all the world's spiritualtraditions. Some observers say this alignment with theheart of the galaxy in 2012 will open a channel forcosmic energy to flow through the earth, cleansing itand all that dwells upon it, raising all to a higherlevel of vibration.

This process has already begun, Mr. Barrios suggested.
"Change is accelerating now, and it will continue toaccelerate." If the people of the earth can get tothis 2012 date in good shape, without having destroyedtoo much of the Earth, Mr. Barrios said, we will riseto a new, higher level.

But to get there we must transform enormously powerfulforces that seek to block the way.

A Picture of the Road Ahead
From his understanding of the Mayan tradition and the calendars, Mr. Barrios offered a picture of where we are at and what may lie on the road ahead: The date specified in the calendar Winter Solstice in the year 2012 does not mark the end of the world. Many outsidepeople writing about the Mayan calendar sensationalizethis date, but they do not know. The ones who know arethe indigenous elders who are entrusted with keepingthe tradition.

"Humanity will continue," he contends, "but in adifferent way. Material structures will change. Fromthis we will have the opportunity to be more human."

We are living in the most important era of the Mayancalendars and prophecies. All the prophecies of the world, all the traditions, are converging now. Therei s no time for games. The spiritual ideal of this era is action. Many powerful souls have reincarnated in this era, with a lot of power. This is true on both sides, the light and the dark. High magic is at work on both sides.

Things will change, but it is up to the people how difficult or easy it is for the changes to come about. The economy now is a fiction. The first five-year stretch of transition from August 1987 to August 1992was the beginning of the destruction of the material world. We have progressed ten years deeper into the transition phase by now, and many of the so-called sources of financial stability are in fact hollow.

The banks are weak. This is a delicate moment for them. They could crash globally if we don't pay attention. If the banks crash ... then we will be forced to rely on the land and our skills. The monetary systems will be in chaos, and we must then rely on our direct relationship with the Earth for ourfood and shelter. The North and South Poles are bothbreaking up. The level of the water in the oceans isgoing to rise. But at the same time land in the ocean,especially near Cuba, is also going to rise.

A Call for Fusion
As he met with audiences in Santa Fe, Mr. Barrios tolda story about the most recent Mayan New Year ceremonies in Guatemala. He said that one respected Mam elder, who lives all year in a solitary mountain cave, journeyed to Chichicastenango to speak with the people at the ceremony. The elder delivered a simple,direct message. He called for human beings to come together in support of life and light. Right now each person and group is going his or her own way. The elder of the mountains said there is hope if the people of the light can come together and unite in some way.

Reflecting on this, Mr. Barrios explained: "We live in a world of polarity: day and night, man and woman, positive and negative. Light and darkness need each other. They are a balance. Just now the dark side is very strong, and very clear about what they want. They have their vision and their priorities clearly held, and also their hierarchy. They are working in many ways so that we will be unable to connect with the spiral Fifth World in 2012."

"On the light side everyone thinks they are the most important, that their own understandings, or their group's understandings, are the key. There's adiversity of cultures and opinions, so there is competition, diffusion, and no single focus."

As Mr. Barrios sees it, the dark side works to block fusion through denial and materialism. It also works to destroy those who are working with the light to get the Earth to a higher level.

They like the energy of the old, declining Fourth World, the materialism. They do not want it to change. They do not want fusion. They want to stay at thisl evel, and are afraid of the next level.

The dark power of the declining Fourth World cannot be destroyed or overpowered. It's too strong and clear for that, and that is the wrong strategy. The dark can only be transformed when confronted with simplicityand open-heartedness. This is what leads to fusion, a key concept for the World of the Fifth Sun.

Mr. Barrios said the emerging era of the Fifth Sun will call attention to a much-overlooked element.Whereas the four traditional elements of earth, air, fire and water have dominated various epochs in the past, there will be a fifth element to reckon with in the time of the Fifth Sun: ether.

The dictionary defines ether as the rarefied element of the Heavens. Ether is a medium. It permeates all space and transmits waves of energy in a wide range of frequencies, from cell phones to human auras. What is"ethereal" is related to the regions beyond earth: the heavens.

Ether the element of the Fifth Sun is celestial and lacking in material substance, but is no less real than wood, stone or flesh.

"Within the context of ether there can be a fusion of the polarities," Mr.Barrios said. "No more darkness or light in the people, but an uplifted fusion. But right now the realm of darkness is not interested in this. They are organized to block it.They seek to unbalance the Earth and its environmentso we will be unready for the alignment in 2012. We need to work together for peace, and balance with the other side. We need to take care of the Earth that feeds and shelters us. We need to put our entire mind and heart into pursuing unity and fusion now, to confront the other side and preserve life."

To be Ready for this Moment in History
Mr. Barrios told his audiences in Santa Fe that we are at a critical moment of world history. "We are disturbed," he said. "We can't play anymore. Our planet can be renewed or ravaged. Now is the time to awaken and take action."

"Everyone is needed. You are not here for no reason. Everyone who is here now has an important purpose. This is a hard, but a special time. We have the opportunity for growth, but we must be ready for this moment in history."

Mr. Barrios offered a number of suggestions to helppeople walk in balance through the years ahead. "The prophesied changes are going to happen," he said "but our attitude and actions determine how harsh or mild they are."We need to act, to make changes, and to elect people to represent us who understand and who will take political action to respect the earth.

Meditation and spiritual practice are good, but also action. It's very important to be clear about who you are, and also about your relation to the Earth.

Develop yourself according to your own tradition and the call of your heart. But remember to respect differences, and strive for unity. Eat wisely. A lot of food is corrupt in either subtle or gross ways. Pay attention to what you are taking into your body. Learn to preserve food, and to conserve energy.

Learn some good breathing techniques, so you have mastery of your breath.

Be clear. Follow a tradition with great roots. It is not important what tradition, your heart will tell you, but it must have great roots. We live in a world of energy. An important task at this time is to learn to sense or see the energy of everyone and everything: people, plants, animals.

This becomes increasingly important as we draw close to the World of the Fifth Sun, for it is associated with the element ether - the realm where energy lives and weaves.

Go to the sacred places of the earth to pray for peace, and have respect for the Earth which gives us our food, clothing, and shelter. We need to reactivatethe energy of these sacred places. That is our work. One simple but effective prayer technique is to light a white or baby-blue colored candle. Think a moment in peace. Speak your intention to the flame and send thelight of it on to the leaders who have the power to make war or peace.

We Have Work to Do
According to Mr. Barrios this is a crucially important moment for humanity, and for earth. Each person is important. If you have incarnated into this era, you have spiritual work to do balancing the planet. He said the elders have opened the doors so that other races can come to the Mayan world to receive the tradition. The Maya have long appreciated and respected that there are other colors, other races,and other spiritual systems. "They know," he said,"that the destiny of the Mayan world is related to thedestiny of the whole world."

"The greatest wisdom is in simplicity," Mr. Barriosadvised before leaving Santa Fe. "Love, respect,tolerance, sharing, gratitude, forgiveness. It's not complex or elaborate. The real knowledge is free. It's encoded in your DNA. All you need is within you. Great teachers have said that from the beginning. Find yourheart, and you will find your way."

october 6th 09

i was driving in my car, i knew where i was going. there was a sharp right turn onto a bridge. a little bright blue house would be across the bridge and visible at the turn. it was pouring rain, and hail. i was going too fast, flew over the cliff to the left before i got onto the bridge. catastrophe. fear. the car hits the water with a great impact, i take a huge breathe before its entirely filled with water. i look at something in front of me, through the windsheild but i dont know what it is cause the water blurs it. i get out through the passenger window. when i tell my parents they shake their heads.

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path. Alternatively, perhaps you need to stand up for your "rights". Or it may also represent your right leaning political views.

Bridge
To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one. If you fall off the bridge and into the water, then the dream indicates that you are letting your emotions hold you back and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.�

Cottage
To see a cottage in your dream, represents comfort, peace and serenity. You prefer a quiet life of simplicity. The cottage may also represent an altered sense of reality and thus may be a means of escaping the responsibilities and problems that may be associated with your home. You need to approach life's difficulties one at a time.�

Blue
represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

Rain
To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain may be a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness.
To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.

Hail
To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm, suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn. Some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down emotionally.
To hear hail beating down on your roof, indicates that you are going through a period of difficult times.

Cliff
To dream that you or someone falls off a cliff, suggests that you are going through some difficult times and are afraid of what is ahead for you. You fear that you may not be up for the challenge or that you cannot meet the expectations of others.

Underwater
To dream that you are underwater, suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation.

baby babe babe

something is wrong with us
we can't be in between hot or cold
we freeze
but we still can't stand the heat
we'd rather sit there, shivering, than risk burning ourselves
or someone else
it's easier to turn your back to the flames
than to stand in the fire
turn back to what you know and the safety of it all
cause its too hard to know whether or not it is worth the gamble

metaphors are so much more romantic, though
even just words are more romantic
but what i'm looking for is power
power in actions versus speech
i'm not looking for this in just anyone
i'm looking for this in you
as i continue the great search for myself

and it is all okay

"i dont know"
i say that way too often. and it is always about myself and who i am. i start to think about my past, and what experiences have "made" me. god, its not the experiences though, it is how i've reacted to them. and all of the reactions/actions associated have been bad. B-A-D.. BAD. harboring regret, rejection, fear, hatred, and negativity all resulted from my bad perspective. and now i am slightly lost because this is the what i like to call the Great Shism of my life. i am learning what is right and wrong when it actually counts for the first time in my life. i am EMBRACING the good and accepting the bad. i am considering the more important things like OTHER PEOPLE over myself. why a good attitude about hassels is vital.
for the first time in my life i have been able to relish eye contact with strangers as a slight but fun connection for a split second. all of which makes my eyes open wider to reality. and welcome the coldness and hardness of it.

relapse

yesterday was the last day before Bella Vista's graduation. a lot happened yesterday. i got many things done early in the morning. i picked up my diploma. and though i graduated in January, i still feel the excitement of this big anticipated change. all day was good, until i crashed. relapsed. i started thinking about David. because when i think about myself, i think about him. i went to the Little League park he took me to once. he said it was a quiet place he could go to think. i needed a quiet place to think. i almost expected to see him there. the anticipation was there..delusional. i sat on the bleachers, smoked cigarettes, and teared up at the reality of all this change. this is the last day, forever, i will see the kids i grew up with in one place. i'll probably never see them again. it makes me very sad.

i went to hang out with Jordan later yesterday evening. i ended up leaving to pick up Stephanie and Aaron. i dont want to recap on what happened with Aaron, though i think it is important to remember. basically he made an ass out of himself in front of everyone. completely disrespected my sister and embarassed her. ended up physically not letting her GO when she wanted to. and wouldn't get out of my car until we threatened to call the cops. not even after THAT.. it was scary, and so upsetting. i yelled, and screamed, and shook. i would do anything in my power to protect and/or defend my sister. he was a threat, and i have no patience for that. i hate thinking about it. and just like the government's corruptions, and the worlds issues, it is just so much easier to ignore.

i was in the car between all of these things. and by the evening the sky was more gorgeous than any gem or man-made palace. the accomplishment of nature was shown, no, shoved into my face. as a sign to tell me; stop, you're little life cannot be this sad. other people see this sky, and they appreciate it as you do. and they are okay, as you are. unity.
after the brilliant sky dismissed itself, lightening sprang up. constant flashes, as if the universe was energized and roused for me. and the rain started. like a waterfall it came down, in sheets, in ropes. and i stood out in it. and i was cleansed. renewed.
but then that happened with my sister. and my psyche fell again.
the world is not all shit, though.

i want a smoke

ever get those moments, when you just want to scream
as long, and as hard as you possibly can
and collapse
all over yourself
and weep
in self pity
and for no reason besides the fact that you are tired
and selfish
and out of touch with reality
because the truth is too hard to face
and there is nothing you can do to change it
and you can wish for change as long, and as hard as you possibly can
and you can talk to the person who hurt you the most
and try to reconcile
but the truth is, is change will always happen
you've changed for them
and they've changed for someone else
and everything in between rapidly changes as well
and this is what you could call harmony
though, it seems and feels like cacophony

i can still get sad

I'm sick of always hearing
All the sad songs on the radio
All day it is there to remind an over sensitive guy
That he's lost and alone, yeah
I hate our favorite restaurant, favorite movie, our favorite show
We would stay up all through the night
We would laugh and get high
And never answer the phone

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in what went wrong
Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life

I'm sick of always hearing
Sappy love songs on the radio
This place is fucking cursed and it's plagued
And I can never escape when my heart it explodes

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in what went wrong
Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life
I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
What went wrong

I'm kicking



why, oh God, why do i still think of you
its so sickeningly cliche
and melodramatic

fuck, i cant let this kill me
but the lyrics give it fuel
and spark the memories that hurt so bad
with each key on the keyboard my little fingers hit
i give more energy to it
with every two or three minutes of beautiful, meaningful song and accompanying music
i die a little
even to admit that is death

and when i drive in the car
the intersection of pain, i pass every day
hoping that you'll see me
praying that i dont see you

AND IT WAS SO LONG AGO
years have passed, time, experience, tears, so much pain, and so much happiness has gone by
and yet you are a staple in my fucked mind
my fucked memory
and i hate to still give you credit that,
because i cant bear to put the blame on myself

17

right now i feel so ridiculously young
i'm only seventeen and i've smoked cigarettes by the thousands
i've smoked marijuana until i time traveled
i've drank alcohol into oblivion
i've popped CCC's and turned into a spider
i've popped valium and went tailspinning
i've blown perfect hooka smoke rings
i've cut my skin open on purpose
i've been hired twice and quit once
i've befriended and crushed on a mid-40 year old
i've graduated highschool a year early
i've been deeply in love
i've completed my first semester of college
i've slept with a 21 year old
i've had sex with a summer fling
i've been up entire nights into the next day
i've broken a heart
i've broke my own

i am a person

i am here
sitting in the dead centre of the green couch
i'm seventeen years of age
it is May 4th 2009
9:22 pm
i need to remember how it is
to be this young and to be the way i am
my toenails are painted black
and my hair is short and has highlights
i smoke cigarettes and marijuana basically daily
i am single
i am small
i am about to go to sac city for cosmotology
i live in my parents house
and i dont know who i am yet
the things i believe in are not yet positive in my mind
this is the time of the great schism
falling from my former beliefs
in this time, i believe in almost nothing
death is nothing, yet the most terrifying notion i've yet concieved
i am a scared person

incredible, i can see now that my heart is OPEN

and it is a scary thought

because i am completely VULNERABLE

i guess i always was.. and maybe always will be

but that is okay because i am learning the importance of experience

of course, i always knew it was important

but actually learning FROM it is completely different

i can feel the confidence building up inside of me

and i am controling it all

it's all going to be okay

no matter what

it will always be okay, i have gotten through very difficult things and situations

and i can do it again

always, i can

i know it, and i smile when i think about how real it is

baby, i'm ME

and i'm going to show me off in whatever way i can

180

trait snapshot feb. 2009:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

trait snapshot, date unknown. 2007:
messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous