Whats Mine Is Yours

2010-08-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

2010-06-13T01:27:00.001-07:00

i am she who advances. fearing none, and loving all. i am the caretaker, the gardener, the sustainer. i am dilligent, strong, and loyal. i am awareness. i am the blossoming flower, the potent seed, the deep soil, and the fanning leaves. i am the creator and the masterpiece, the drumbeat and the dancer. holding myself in high respect, i am a great woman of the earth. pure, upright, and rare.

astrology

2010-03-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Rising Sign is in 20 Degrees Leo. You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!

Sun is in 22 Degrees Libra. Very sociable, you enjoy being with others and definitely prefer not be alone. Warm and affectionate, you go out of your way to make others like you. You despise ugliness, for you being surrounded by beauty and harmony is a necessity of life. You prefer fine clothing, an attractive home and pleasant surroundings wherever you are. Your refined tastes apply to music and to art as well. At times, you are very indecisive you waver and falter when forced to make a choice because you have the ability to see both sides of any question. The positive part of this is that you are very fair-minded and can be trusted to settle disputes. Your greatest challenge is to take any one-on-one encounter and make the most of it.

Moon is in 29 Degrees Capricorn. You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring.

Mercury is in 01 Degrees Scorpio. You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.

Venus is in 07 Degrees Virgo. You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high -- you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

Mars is in 29 Degrees Libra. You are very aware of the need to cooperate with others in order to further any effort. You are usually willing to compromise with others, although you can be quite competitive in a friendly way. Very fair- minded and impartial, you have the ability to sense injustice and the desire to take corrective actions to make proper compensations. You see both sides of issues and questions, but you tend to be undecided or wavering when forced to make choices that might make you vulnerable or unpopular.

Jupiter is in 06 Degrees Virgo. You feel most expansive and at ease with yourself when you are doing something that you consider to be practical or useful. You enjoy being dutiful and carrying out responsibilities. You gladly take on the little tasks that others seem to want to avoid. At times, you carry things to extremes and feel guilty anytime you do something that you consider to be self-indulgent. While it is appropriate for you to demand little for yourself in life, try to loosen up once in a while -- go out on a fling and enjoy yourself!

Saturn is in 00 Degrees Aquarius. Your personal sense of values is a reflection of the value structures of your peer group and of those you respect and admire. Try to be more critical in your acceptance of these values -- you tend to prejudge the abilities of those you trust and then follow what they say blindly. Basically very conservative, you prefer orderly, systematic changes and fear doing things rashly or impulsively. Ideas and philosophies must have some sort of immediately realizable, utilitarian function in order for you to pay any attention to them.

Uranus is in 10 Degrees Capricorn. You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.

Neptune is in 14 Degrees Capricorn. You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 19 Degrees Scorpio. For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 13 Degrees Capricorn. You rarely get involved closely with anyone unless he or she has something specific and practical to offer you. You tend to be "all business" when it comes to dealing with others. You're usually so intently focused on a particular goal that you rarely have time for social niceties or casual fellowship. But you can definitely be counted on by others to get things done. When you say that you'll do something, you do it. As such, you're a valuable member of any team situation and will probably rise to a position of leadership within the group. Your trustworthiness and sense of responsibility are unquestioned. But do try to avoid the temptation to "use" others to reach your goals -- they might come to resent you.

warning dream

2010-03-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

night of march 18th 2o10
a crowd, a gathering of humans
grey skies
a creature facing me
he is a child
a shrunken skull of a bird for a head
with hollow eyes that look scared
i feel scared
his mother (human) covers his eyes
for my sake?
for his

he is an adult
he's being interviewed
he still has a tongue and is able to make wet breathey sounds
it is a language
i understand it slightly
he is speaking about disgrace

he's up on a podium
i can see his body
the frame of it slight, with white loose skin
like a blanket over bones
it flutters in the wind
he's speaking into the microphone to the gathering
it is serious, and very important
i dont think the crowd is listening well enough
i think he gets frustrated
bobs his tiny head up and down with his thick long neck

stuff

2010-02-28T11:07:00.001-08:00

http://www.intuition.org/txt/mckenna2.htm

i've learned

2010-02-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do isbe someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important.
It's what they do about it.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learnedthat no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better besomething else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angryI have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give methe right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny,but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that although the word "love"can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

things

2010-02-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

the sky. long walks. things carved only by nature. new ideas and subtle coincedences. all natural vitamin D. people who ask questions. the Tao Te Ching and celestial bodies. vigorous dancing. open areas, secret areas. strange strangers rather than common strangers. dream-life. lessons. courage. manifested thoughts with similiar minds. patience. lots of sushi. powerful lyrics. muscles and skin. ecosia.com. camel cigarettes. finding two trees that grow as one. a glass of red wine. the man i adore. any work of art. Burning Man 2010 (hopefully). Yin and Yang. astrology. simplifying. singing. the lifestyle of the first foragers. weather. smiles. body art. i want to visit Kyoto sometime in my life. government/industrial conspiracies. things i find sacred.

reality dream decipher

2010-02-17T12:15:00.001-08:00

Book
To see books in your dream, indicates calmness. You are moving toward your goals at a slow and steady pace.�Books also symbolize knowledge, intellect, information and wisdom.

Circle
On a less positive note, it may also mean that you are going around in circles in a particular situation. Or the circle can indicate monotony and endless repetition

Room
To dream that you are in a room, represents a particular aspect of yourself or a particular relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality.
Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past.

Airplanes
To see an airplane in your dream, indicates that you will overcome your obstacles and rise to a new level of prominence and status. You may experience a higher consciousness, new-found freedom and greater awareness. Perhaps you need to gain a better perspective or wider view on something. If the airplane is taking off, then it suggests that an idea or plan is about to "take off" and be put into action. It may also represent you need to get away and escape from your daily life

Beggar
To see or dream that you are a beggar, represents your sense of insecurity and lack of self-worth. You feel that you are undeserving. To dream that you are helping a beggar, indicates that you will overcome your hardships and inadequacies.

Airport
To see a busy airport in your dream, signifies the desire for freedom, high ideals, ambition, and hopes. It is an indication that you are approaching a new departure in your life. Some new idea is taking off or is ready to take off. You may be experiencing a new relationship, new career path or new adventure.

Escalator
To see an escalator in your dream, indicates movement between various levels of consciousness.� If you are moving up in the escalator, then it suggests that you are addressing and confronting emotional issues. You are moving through your spiritual journey with great progress and ease.�

Outlaw
To dream that you are an outlaw, signifies the repressed and animalistic side of your character. Alternatively, it suggests that you feel the rules do not apply to you. You feel that you are above those around you

Actor/Actress
To�see an actor or actress in your dream, represents your pursuit for pleasure.

Yellow
The color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom.

Secret
To dream that you or someone has a secret, represents hidden power. It suggests that something needs to emerge from your unconscious.

Groups
To see a group in your dream, refers to the merging of various aspects of your character and personality
Gang
To dream that you are a gang member, signifies your need to achieve and accomplish things through force and intimidation. The dream draws attention to the primitive, unruly aspect of yourself.

Meeting
To dream that you are in a meeting, suggests that you need to redirect your energies toward a more productive endeavor. Alternatively, you are learning to accept various aspects of yourself

Sirens
To hear sirens in your dream, signifies a situation or problem that is giving you much stress. The sirens may serve to get your attention and focus on the problem at hand.

Police
To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. Perhaps you need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. You fear punishment.

Shooting
To see a shooting in your dream, indicates that you have a set goal and know what you are aiming for in life. Your plans are right on target!

Crying
To dream that others are in tears, indicates that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you

Tricycle
To see a tricycle in your dream, indicates an ease of tension in your life. It may also symbolize simplicity and a carefree nature.

Spiral
To see a spiral in your dream, indicates that some situation in your waking life is spilling out of control. Alternatively, it may represent your creative power and new ideas.

Branches
To see branches in your dream, symbolize good luck, growth, and new life. Alternatively, branches represent the relationships and communication between you and your family or relatives

Bury
To dream that you bury something, suggests that you are hiding your true feelings. Or you are trying to cover up some situation or act.

Grave
To dream that you are at a grave, indicates that you need to delve into your own unconscious in search of an issue that you thought had been put to rest. You need to stand up for yourself for no one else can do it for you. Alternatively, it represents something is about to be completed in your life. You are leaving behind the old and making a new start. The dream may also be a pun on feeling grave or concerned about a serious or sad situation.
To dream that you are digging a grave, denotes some nervousness and uneasiness over some undertaking.

reality dream

2010-02-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

someone was telling me about a book, and how a man had only started reading it and it changed his life. i had the book. on the cover was a picture of the inside of a large room, on one side on the second floor was a big sphere of a room made of glass pannels. on the other side of the second floor was just a floor and stairs coming down to the first floor where there was a swimming pool in the center of the room down below.

i was reading the book on an airplane, and a little girl came down the aisle with a little white bag asking for money. i gave her two quarters, her mother asked me "why are you sitting on top of a swimming pool" as if to say "i really needed a swimming pool below me?" i look down and sure enough i glimpse a pool below my seat.. i feel bad for this luxury when the little girl is asking for money so i give her two more quarters.

sometime either before or after i get off the plane i go into this room where they have video projections of people talking, each in their own cavity. most are celebrities like james franco, pussifer (who is a woman), and a news broadcaster. they're all talking at once. each one had read the book. thats why they were there.

i'm off the plane and am in the airport; someone says something about the book (could have been me) and i drop it as i go up the escalator, it lands in the hands of someone else. i get to the second floor and someone tells me "they're checking all of the girls who got off your plane". i look down and sure enough there is a girl who looks totally normal, my age, who stops another girl in her tracks and searches her. i knew they were searching for the book, or more importantly the person who read the book. i panic, but remember the girl who was searched below had been running. so i don't run. i walk calmly.

suddenly, the picture of what is really going on becomes clear as a woman in a yellow suit who looks like a ninja flies off the second floor (slow motion) and comes hurdling down into the glass sphere room on the other side, i see the men inside scream as she shatters the glass. the men inside are old, white, suit wearing, evil men. they're in control. the woman in yellow is there to kill them. i realized as she was flying through the air that the book was reality. it was just hidden before.

i am now a part of a large group of people, all carrying the secret of reality, all who have read the book. its like the movie Fight Club. there are people from the group everywhere i go. we don't know it by each other's faces, but we do know we're out there, looking out for each other. the man who warned me first was a part of the group, the woman in yellow was a part of the group.

it is a dangerous group to be in, since the evil white men in charge don't want anyone else to get their hands on the secret or the book. and there are many deaths for what we fight for.

but once you know the secret, there is no turning back, not that we would want to.

there is a meeting. there is over 100 of us together, mostly men. che is with me and we're sitting on the side in two lawn chairs. there is a man sitting in the middle and she tells me he is the one who started the group. he is african american and has a face to be trusted.
he gets up and sits on the ground in front of che and i. she seems to know him personally and greets him. i extend my hand and say "its an honor", he shakes it and smiles.
he begins speaking and che giggles at something he says. i say "shut up" and he also says "shut up che". for some reason its not rude, its just protocal and it is important for us to be able to hear what he has to say.
suddenly, we hear sirens. he says "i knew they would be coming". i figure they're coming because there are so many cars parked in one place at night but who knows. che and i stay behind and most of the other group members disperse.
but then there are shots heard. che and i start to go up the hill to the street to see what is going on. she is running, i am walking slowly, i see everything in slow motion. i look to the right and see one group member pushing a cop, the cop pushes back, another man (cop or member) gets involved, pushing. it doesn't get more violent than that but the look on the cop's faces say they are just as upset as the group members. i look to the left, a member is screaming and yelling but i dont hear him, he's yelling at a cop who is half slumped over the trunk of his car, crying. the member is crying. i look at che, members are holding her back, she's hysterical crying and screaming.
a group member had been shot.
i didn't know why everyone was so upset, members got shot and died all the time.
we heard more sirens, more cops were coming and this meant trouble. but our leader told us in an authoritive tone he'd taken care of it.
a group member pulled up in the cop car and i got in with some other members. his vision becomes mine; he started driving crazy, over the field and grass, making hard turns and yelling while he did it. he pulled over in a backyard and there was a tricycle. he gets out of the car and jumps on the tricycle. he starts riding it down a hill and onto a tree branch that wraps around and around going steeper and steeper in a downward spiral. he balances though, going faster and faster screaming out "IT'LL BE OKAY, IT'LL BE OKAY, IT'LL BE OKAY".
apparently his son had died while riding a tricycle.. somehow he slows down when the branch is conjoined with another branch above and he runs out of space. a little dizzy, he picks up the tricycle and marches back up the branch, back up the hill to the backyard.

but some women group members already have a grave dug for him, his body is already underground. i come up the hill and say "shouldn't he be buried with this tricycle?" one woman does not want to dig up the grave again. but i do, i dig it up with my hands and bury the tricycle as well. we have about three other graves to dig and boxes to bury. but then all of the group members who died walk up to us. they are alive, and once again mostly celebrities. one who might have been forest whittaker says "part of the secret is there is no religion, therefore no afterlife, so we're here"

and then i am in my kitchen with my sister and maybe jessica dunham, i hear my parents come through the front door.
"how was the movie?" they ask.
"it was really really great.. the best i've seen in a long time"
and my dad asks if he can draw on my tattoo with sharpie to make one part look like a hersheys kiss, i let him but it hurts my skin.

everything that is good

2010-02-13T23:58:00.000-08:00

to share my love
to feel you here
to see your spirit
to move in your way
to stablize my being
to radiate my energy
to be with
my soul embraces yours
you are everything that is good

let me make it pretty for you

2009-12-22T09:15:00.001-08:00

it was the color of ash
not an ash tree
just a dead tree
its bark came off like vines, crumbly
and insecure

it was easier to climb up than to get down
there was only one branch to sit on at the very top
and the wind swayed the entire fragile thing
but it was possible to make a handhold
by scratching away the ashy bark
to fit my need

i knew why you didn't come up
it was dark
the vines were flaking
and backwards
the branch probably couldn't support our weight anyways

so i sat on top
alone
watching from above
the running horse below
escape a lasso

love tree

2009-12-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

love is just like an apple tree
you sit around to wait and see
if all your hard work has come to be
that perfect apple that looks so right
so u go ahead and take a bite
and you find out its just not ripe
you dont just pull it out of the ground
you still cherish this tree and keep it around
although you may get a frown
the freindship you have will keep your hearts bound
and no matter what you will keep it safe and sound
you will always check in and see how its been
and maybe in the future u can try it again
because this just might not be the right time of year
even though this time may shed a tear
you'll never let this tree have any fear
because no matter what you'll always be near

-kyle

myspace blog

2009-11-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

Sunday, July 05, 2009
nothing to lose Current mood: breezy
I’m a little kid in a warped adult world. I am a part of a generation with something big to offer. I don’t believe in normal. I don’t believe superiority or inferiority. I believe in everyone's ability to produce wellness, substantial wellness for others to share in from just the energy from there core persona. I believe in perspective over experience and the opportunity to bloom. I believe in the equality of all human beings and the vital relation with nature we all come into this world with. I believe in the strength of my own spirit. and yours. I am all about the people and the potential we all have. individually and in numbers. learn what makes you yourself and harness it. and most importantly, share it.

going beyond pt2

2009-11-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

also, with these relevations i have distinguished the difference between ego and life (the reality based off what we believe)

there is none

everything in life is a comparison to yourself
you see a handsome man on the street and compare him to every other man YOU'VE seen
you compare him to YOURself
you see a bug, twisted and struggling in a spiders web and you compare the scene to YOUR own fears of death
you can apply this theory to EVERYTHING in life
physically, mentally, emotionally

so,
to become in touch with what you really are: literally a radiating energy source (self) in a black hole (life)
you can grasp the separation of self and ego
you can grasp your place
because, if self is an energy source in a black hole, then the self can exceed infinitely
and if the self is constantly exceeding

you're in complete relation with every other energy source around you
with this type of affinity there is no comparison to be made
only relation

going beyond

2009-11-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

november 2nd: sun is in scorpio, means Intense Scorpio stimulates transformation at the deepest level.

saturn in libra: Saturn will be entering Libra on October 30th, 2009. If you are a Libra, many challenges and new obligations will be put before you. Your acceptance of these challenges is revealed by your natal Sun and aspects. For all intents and purposes, the vibration will change from organizing and detailing everything and anything (Saturn in Virgo) to deciding what works and what doesn’t. Saturn will ask you to examine the area that it transits in order to update and revise outworn conditions that weaken this part of your life. You will use your Libra powers of artistic symmetry, affability, cardinality and social awareness to change the vision of Libra in your personal chart. Saturn is exalted in Libra and responds well. Saturn entering Libra will structure where the structure is weak. Stabilize any discordant situations and restructure, providing the needed structure that has been lost thru the past, to establish a new solid foundation for you to build upon.

first of all, this has been a series of events all leading up to this great profession.
i give some of the credit to the planets for giving these events structure and affirming what has happened.
and most of the credit to the one's who have seen this and professed it first. the teachers, intellectuals, optomists, reasoners, sceptics, philosophers, speculators, scientists, theorist, wisemen, visionaries, and students.

my first trancendence:
i traditionally sat cross legged, hands resting on knees, index finger and thumb together
i listened to medatative rainforest
i breathed long and deep
and first focused on thinking of fewer things
and then fewer
and then tried to focus completely on my breath
the more i concentrated on just the breathing the deeper i got
i thought about the infinite nature of myself and of everything else
i thought about infinite space
slowly, my hands and my mouth began to tickle and vibrate
this became more and more intense in my hands
it felt like they were being compressed and radiating at the same time
i lost all control of my hands as this vibration became more intense
on my right hand my fingers became erect
on my left hand my thumb middle and ring fingers were curled in, fore finger and pinky erect
this vibration spread into my arms, the front of my stomache and into my thighs
at some point it was almost whole body
it felt like something was squeezing my hands at different points on the hand
pressing fingertip to fingertip or just the palm itself, and definitely moving
i consiously came out of my mediation because it rapidly became uncomfortable and i was not able to relax my hands to their proper state
about ten minutes after decending my hands were still frozen as they were
slowly, as i continued to stop focusing on where i had just gone they began to relax

after coming down from this legitimate high here is what i've realized:
through meditation, i can strengthen my entire self
i feel so insanely, completely enlightened
i have just tapped into the cure for myself
now, i feel as if i can reach out and touch anything
infinite possibilities and so much potential
for the first time in my life i WANT to be strong
i can apply these things i learn through my mind to "reality"
like i have just reversed the spin of the planet i live on
i feel in control, i can confidently say I CAN, serious positive regulated progression is real for the first time ever

my green jacket

2009-10-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

i found this old jacket in a box of my cousins old clothes
it was velvety and forest green
i wore it every day
until the little lint balls consumed it
and the buttons fell off
and the popular girls would ask me
"why do you wear that"

because it was my favorite color, and soft
and kept me warm

and i kept wearing it
loving it all the more
while i picked the lint balls off in class

2012

2009-10-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

By Carlos BarriosCARLOS BARRIOS was born into a Spanish family on ElAltiplano, the highlands of Guatemala. His home was inHuehuetenango, also the dwelling place of the Maya Mamtribe. With other Maya and other indigenous traditionkeepers, the Mam carry part of the old ways on TurtleIsland (North America). They are keepers of time,authorities on remarkable calendars that are ancient,elegant and relevant.

Mr. Barrios is a historian, an anthropologist andinvestigator. After studying with traditional eldersfor 25 years since the age of 19, he has also became aMayan Ajq'ij, a ceremonial priest and spiritual guide,Eagle Clan.

Years ago, along with his brother, Gerardo, Carlosinitiated an investigation into the different Mayancalendars. He studied with many teachers. He says hisbrother Gerardo interviewed nearly 600 traditionalMayan elders to widen their scope of knowledge.

"Anthropologists visit the temple sites," Mr. Barriossays, "and read the inscriptions and make up storiesabout the Maya, but they do not read the signscorrectly. It's just their imagination... Other peoplewrite about prophecy in the name of the Maya. They saythat the world will end in December 2012. The Mayanelders are angry with this. The world will not end. It will be transformed. The indigenous have thecalendars, and know how to accurately interpret it,not others."

The Mayan Calendars comprehension of time, seasons,and cycles has proven itself to be vast andsophisticated. The Maya understand 17 differentcalendars, some of them charting time accurately overa span of more than ten million years. The calendarthat has steadily drawn global attention since 1987 iscalled the Tzolk'in or Cholq'ij. Devised ages ago andbased on the cycle of the Pleiades, it is still heldas sacred. With the indigenous calendars, nativepeople have kept track of important turning points inhistory. For example, the day keepers who study thecalendars identified an important day in the year OneReed, Ce Acatal, as it was called by the Mexicans.That was the day when an important ancestor wasprophesied to return, "coming like a butterfly." Inthe western calendar, the One Reed date correlates toEaster Sunday, April 21, 1519 the day that HernandoCortez and his fleet of 11 Spanish galleons arrivedfrom the East at what is today called Vera Cruz,Mexico.

When the Spanish ships came toward shore, nativepeople were waiting and watching to see how it wouldgo. The billowing sails of the ships did indeed remindthe scouts of butterflies skimming the ocean surface.

In this manner was a new era initiated, an era theyhad anticipated through their calendars. The Mayatermed the new era the Nine Bolomtikus, or nine Hellsof 52 years each. As the nine cycles unfolded, landand freedom were taken from the native people. Diseaseand disrespect dominated. What began with the arrivalof Cortez, lasted until August 16, 1987 - a date manypeople recall as Harmonic Convergence. Millions of people took advantage of that date to make ceremony in sacred sites, praying for a smooth transition to a new era, the World of the Fifth Sun.

From that 1987 date until now, Mr. Barrios says, wehave been in a time when the right arm of thematerialistic world is disappearing, slowly butinexorably. We are at the cusp of the era when peacebegins, and people live in harmony with Mother Earth.We are no longer in the World of the Fourth Sun, butwe are not yet in the World of the Fifth Sun. This isthe time in-between, the time of transition.

As we pass through transition there is a colossal,global convergence of environmental destruction,social chaos, war, and ongoing Earth changes.All this, Mr. Barrios says, was foreseen via thesimple, spiral mathematics of the Mayan calendars. "Itwill change," Mr. Barrios observes. "Everything willchange." He said Mayan Daykeepers view the Dec. 21,2012 date as a rebirth, the start of the World of theFifth Sun. It will be the start of a new era resultingfrom and signified by the solar meridian crossing thegalactic equator, and the earth aligning itself with the center of the galaxy.

At sunrise on December 21, 2012 for the first time in26,000 years the Sun rises to conjunct theintersection of the Milky Way and the plane of theecliptic. This cosmic cross is considered to be anembodiment of the Sacred Tree, The Tree of Life, atree remembered in all the world's spiritualtraditions. Some observers say this alignment with theheart of the galaxy in 2012 will open a channel forcosmic energy to flow through the earth, cleansing itand all that dwells upon it, raising all to a higherlevel of vibration.

This process has already begun, Mr. Barrios suggested.
"Change is accelerating now, and it will continue toaccelerate." If the people of the earth can get tothis 2012 date in good shape, without having destroyedtoo much of the Earth, Mr. Barrios said, we will riseto a new, higher level.

But to get there we must transform enormously powerfulforces that seek to block the way.

A Picture of the Road Ahead
From his understanding of the Mayan tradition and the calendars, Mr. Barrios offered a picture of where we are at and what may lie on the road ahead: The date specified in the calendar Winter Solstice in the year 2012 does not mark the end of the world. Many outsidepeople writing about the Mayan calendar sensationalizethis date, but they do not know. The ones who know arethe indigenous elders who are entrusted with keepingthe tradition.

"Humanity will continue," he contends, "but in adifferent way. Material structures will change. Fromthis we will have the opportunity to be more human."

We are living in the most important era of the Mayancalendars and prophecies. All the prophecies of the world, all the traditions, are converging now. Therei s no time for games. The spiritual ideal of this era is action. Many powerful souls have reincarnated in this era, with a lot of power. This is true on both sides, the light and the dark. High magic is at work on both sides.

Things will change, but it is up to the people how difficult or easy it is for the changes to come about. The economy now is a fiction. The first five-year stretch of transition from August 1987 to August 1992was the beginning of the destruction of the material world. We have progressed ten years deeper into the transition phase by now, and many of the so-called sources of financial stability are in fact hollow.

The banks are weak. This is a delicate moment for them. They could crash globally if we don't pay attention. If the banks crash ... then we will be forced to rely on the land and our skills. The monetary systems will be in chaos, and we must then rely on our direct relationship with the Earth for ourfood and shelter. The North and South Poles are bothbreaking up. The level of the water in the oceans isgoing to rise. But at the same time land in the ocean,especially near Cuba, is also going to rise.

A Call for Fusion
As he met with audiences in Santa Fe, Mr. Barrios tolda story about the most recent Mayan New Year ceremonies in Guatemala. He said that one respected Mam elder, who lives all year in a solitary mountain cave, journeyed to Chichicastenango to speak with the people at the ceremony. The elder delivered a simple,direct message. He called for human beings to come together in support of life and light. Right now each person and group is going his or her own way. The elder of the mountains said there is hope if the people of the light can come together and unite in some way.

Reflecting on this, Mr. Barrios explained: "We live in a world of polarity: day and night, man and woman, positive and negative. Light and darkness need each other. They are a balance. Just now the dark side is very strong, and very clear about what they want. They have their vision and their priorities clearly held, and also their hierarchy. They are working in many ways so that we will be unable to connect with the spiral Fifth World in 2012."

"On the light side everyone thinks they are the most important, that their own understandings, or their group's understandings, are the key. There's adiversity of cultures and opinions, so there is competition, diffusion, and no single focus."

As Mr. Barrios sees it, the dark side works to block fusion through denial and materialism. It also works to destroy those who are working with the light to get the Earth to a higher level.

They like the energy of the old, declining Fourth World, the materialism. They do not want it to change. They do not want fusion. They want to stay at thisl evel, and are afraid of the next level.

The dark power of the declining Fourth World cannot be destroyed or overpowered. It's too strong and clear for that, and that is the wrong strategy. The dark can only be transformed when confronted with simplicityand open-heartedness. This is what leads to fusion, a key concept for the World of the Fifth Sun.

Mr. Barrios said the emerging era of the Fifth Sun will call attention to a much-overlooked element.Whereas the four traditional elements of earth, air, fire and water have dominated various epochs in the past, there will be a fifth element to reckon with in the time of the Fifth Sun: ether.

The dictionary defines ether as the rarefied element of the Heavens. Ether is a medium. It permeates all space and transmits waves of energy in a wide range of frequencies, from cell phones to human auras. What is"ethereal" is related to the regions beyond earth: the heavens.

Ether the element of the Fifth Sun is celestial and lacking in material substance, but is no less real than wood, stone or flesh.

"Within the context of ether there can be a fusion of the polarities," Mr.Barrios said. "No more darkness or light in the people, but an uplifted fusion. But right now the realm of darkness is not interested in this. They are organized to block it.They seek to unbalance the Earth and its environmentso we will be unready for the alignment in 2012. We need to work together for peace, and balance with the other side. We need to take care of the Earth that feeds and shelters us. We need to put our entire mind and heart into pursuing unity and fusion now, to confront the other side and preserve life."

To be Ready for this Moment in History
Mr. Barrios told his audiences in Santa Fe that we are at a critical moment of world history. "We are disturbed," he said. "We can't play anymore. Our planet can be renewed or ravaged. Now is the time to awaken and take action."

"Everyone is needed. You are not here for no reason. Everyone who is here now has an important purpose. This is a hard, but a special time. We have the opportunity for growth, but we must be ready for this moment in history."

Mr. Barrios offered a number of suggestions to helppeople walk in balance through the years ahead. "The prophesied changes are going to happen," he said "but our attitude and actions determine how harsh or mild they are."We need to act, to make changes, and to elect people to represent us who understand and who will take political action to respect the earth.

Meditation and spiritual practice are good, but also action. It's very important to be clear about who you are, and also about your relation to the Earth.

Develop yourself according to your own tradition and the call of your heart. But remember to respect differences, and strive for unity. Eat wisely. A lot of food is corrupt in either subtle or gross ways. Pay attention to what you are taking into your body. Learn to preserve food, and to conserve energy.

Learn some good breathing techniques, so you have mastery of your breath.

Be clear. Follow a tradition with great roots. It is not important what tradition, your heart will tell you, but it must have great roots. We live in a world of energy. An important task at this time is to learn to sense or see the energy of everyone and everything: people, plants, animals.

This becomes increasingly important as we draw close to the World of the Fifth Sun, for it is associated with the element ether - the realm where energy lives and weaves.

Go to the sacred places of the earth to pray for peace, and have respect for the Earth which gives us our food, clothing, and shelter. We need to reactivatethe energy of these sacred places. That is our work. One simple but effective prayer technique is to light a white or baby-blue colored candle. Think a moment in peace. Speak your intention to the flame and send thelight of it on to the leaders who have the power to make war or peace.

We Have Work to Do
According to Mr. Barrios this is a crucially important moment for humanity, and for earth. Each person is important. If you have incarnated into this era, you have spiritual work to do balancing the planet. He said the elders have opened the doors so that other races can come to the Mayan world to receive the tradition. The Maya have long appreciated and respected that there are other colors, other races,and other spiritual systems. "They know," he said,"that the destiny of the Mayan world is related to thedestiny of the whole world."

"The greatest wisdom is in simplicity," Mr. Barriosadvised before leaving Santa Fe. "Love, respect,tolerance, sharing, gratitude, forgiveness. It's not complex or elaborate. The real knowledge is free. It's encoded in your DNA. All you need is within you. Great teachers have said that from the beginning. Find yourheart, and you will find your way."

october 6th 09

2009-10-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

i was driving in my car, i knew where i was going. there was a sharp right turn onto a bridge. a little bright blue house would be across the bridge and visible at the turn. it was pouring rain, and hail. i was going too fast, flew over the cliff to the left before i got onto the bridge. catastrophe. fear. the car hits the water with a great impact, i take a huge breathe before its entirely filled with water. i look at something in front of me, through the windsheild but i dont know what it is cause the water blurs it. i get out through the passenger window. when i tell my parents they shake their heads.

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path. Alternatively, perhaps you need to stand up for your "rights". Or it may also represent your right leaning political views.

Bridge
To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage. If the bridge is over water, then it suggests that your transition will be an emotional one. If you fall off the bridge and into the water, then the dream indicates that you are letting your emotions hold you back and prevent you from moving forward. Alternatively, the bridge may indicate that you are trying to "bridge" or connect two things together.�

Cottage
To see a cottage in your dream, represents comfort, peace and serenity. You prefer a quiet life of simplicity. The cottage may also represent an altered sense of reality and thus may be a means of escaping the responsibilities and problems that may be associated with your home. You need to approach life's difficulties one at a time.�

Blue
represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream, may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind.

Rain
To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain may be a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness.
To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.

Hail
To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm, suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn. Some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down emotionally.
To hear hail beating down on your roof, indicates that you are going through a period of difficult times.

Cliff
To dream that you or someone falls off a cliff, suggests that you are going through some difficult times and are afraid of what is ahead for you. You fear that you may not be up for the challenge or that you cannot meet the expectations of others.

Underwater
To dream that you are underwater, suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation.

baby babe babe

2009-10-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

something is wrong with us
we can't be in between hot or cold
we freeze
but we still can't stand the heat
we'd rather sit there, shivering, than risk burning ourselves
or someone else
it's easier to turn your back to the flames
than to stand in the fire
turn back to what you know and the safety of it all
cause its too hard to know whether or not it is worth the gamble

metaphors are so much more romantic, though
even just words are more romantic
but what i'm looking for is power
power in actions versus speech
i'm not looking for this in just anyone
i'm looking for this in you
as i continue the great search for myself

and it is all okay

2009-06-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

"i dont know"
i say that way too often. and it is always about myself and who i am. i start to think about my past, and what experiences have "made" me. god, its not the experiences though, it is how i've reacted to them. and all of the reactions/actions associated have been bad. B-A-D.. BAD. harboring regret, rejection, fear, hatred, and negativity all resulted from my bad perspective. and now i am slightly lost because this is the what i like to call the Great Shism of my life. i am learning what is right and wrong when it actually counts for the first time in my life. i am EMBRACING the good and accepting the bad. i am considering the more important things like OTHER PEOPLE over myself. why a good attitude about hassels is vital.
for the first time in my life i have been able to relish eye contact with strangers as a slight but fun connection for a split second. all of which makes my eyes open wider to reality. and welcome the coldness and hardness of it.

relapse

2009-06-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the last day before Bella Vista's graduation. a lot happened yesterday. i got many things done early in the morning. i picked up my diploma. and though i graduated in January, i still feel the excitement of this big anticipated change. all day was good, until i crashed. relapsed. i started thinking about David. because when i think about myself, i think about him. i went to the Little League park he took me to once. he said it was a quiet place he could go to think. i needed a quiet place to think. i almost expected to see him there. the anticipation was there..delusional. i sat on the bleachers, smoked cigarettes, and teared up at the reality of all this change. this is the last day, forever, i will see the kids i grew up with in one place. i'll probably never see them again. it makes me very sad.

i went to hang out with Jordan later yesterday evening. i ended up leaving to pick up Stephanie and Aaron. i dont want to recap on what happened with Aaron, though i think it is important to remember. basically he made an ass out of himself in front of everyone. completely disrespected my sister and embarassed her. ended up physically not letting her GO when she wanted to. and wouldn't get out of my car until we threatened to call the cops. not even after THAT.. it was scary, and so upsetting. i yelled, and screamed, and shook. i would do anything in my power to protect and/or defend my sister. he was a threat, and i have no patience for that. i hate thinking about it. and just like the government's corruptions, and the worlds issues, it is just so much easier to ignore.

i was in the car between all of these things. and by the evening the sky was more gorgeous than any gem or man-made palace. the accomplishment of nature was shown, no, shoved into my face. as a sign to tell me; stop, you're little life cannot be this sad. other people see this sky, and they appreciate it as you do. and they are okay, as you are. unity.
after the brilliant sky dismissed itself, lightening sprang up. constant flashes, as if the universe was energized and roused for me. and the rain started. like a waterfall it came down, in sheets, in ropes. and i stood out in it. and i was cleansed. renewed.
but then that happened with my sister. and my psyche fell again.
the world is not all shit, though.

i want a smoke

2009-06-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

ever get those moments, when you just want to scream
as long, and as hard as you possibly can
and collapse
all over yourself
and weep
in self pity
and for no reason besides the fact that you are tired
and selfish
and out of touch with reality
because the truth is too hard to face
and there is nothing you can do to change it
and you can wish for change as long, and as hard as you possibly can
and you can talk to the person who hurt you the most
and try to reconcile
but the truth is, is change will always happen
you've changed for them
and they've changed for someone else
and everything in between rapidly changes as well
and this is what you could call harmony
though, it seems and feels like cacophony

i can still get sad

2009-06-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of always hearing
All the sad songs on the radio
All day it is there to remind an over sensitive guy
That he's lost and alone, yeah
I hate our favorite restaurant, favorite movie, our favorite show
We would stay up all through the night
We would laugh and get high
And never answer the phone

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in what went wrong
Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life

I'm sick of always hearing
Sappy love songs on the radio
This place is fucking cursed and it's plagued
And I can never escape when my heart it explodes

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in what went wrong
Cause you said this was right
You fucked up my life
I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me
What went wrong

I'm kicking

why, oh God, why do i still think of you
its so sickeningly cliche
and melodramatic

fuck, i cant let this kill me
but the lyrics give it fuel
and spark the memories that hurt so bad
with each key on the keyboard my little fingers hit
i give more energy to it
with every two or three minutes of beautiful, meaningful song and accompanying music
i die a little
even to admit that is death

and when i drive in the car
the intersection of pain, i pass every day
hoping that you'll see me
praying that i dont see you

AND IT WAS SO LONG AGO
years have passed, time, experience, tears, so much pain, and so much happiness has gone by
and yet you are a staple in my fucked mind
my fucked memory
and i hate to still give you credit that,
because i cant bear to put the blame on myself

17

2009-05-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

right now i feel so ridiculously young
i'm only seventeen and i've smoked cigarettes by the thousands
i've smoked marijuana until i time traveled
i've drank alcohol into oblivion
i've popped CCC's and turned into a spider
i've popped valium and went tailspinning
i've blown perfect hooka smoke rings
i've cut my skin open on purpose
i've been hired twice and quit once
i've befriended and crushed on a mid-40 year old
i've graduated highschool a year early
i've been deeply in love
i've completed my first semester of college
i've slept with a 21 year old
i've had sex with a summer fling
i've been up entire nights into the next day
i've broken a heart
i've broke my own

i am a person

2009-05-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

i am here
sitting in the dead centre of the green couch
i'm seventeen years of age
it is May 4th 2009
9:22 pm
i need to remember how it is
to be this young and to be the way i am
my toenails are painted black
and my hair is short and has highlights
i smoke cigarettes and marijuana basically daily
i am single
i am small
i am about to go to sac city for cosmotology
i live in my parents house
and i dont know who i am yet
the things i believe in are not yet positive in my mind
this is the time of the great schism
falling from my former beliefs
in this time, i believe in almost nothing
death is nothing, yet the most terrifying notion i've yet concieved
i am a scared person

2009-04-26T22:00:00.001-07:00

incredible, i can see now that my heart is OPEN

and it is a scary thought

because i am completely VULNERABLE

i guess i always was.. and maybe always will be

but that is okay because i am learning the importance of experience

of course, i always knew it was important

but actually learning FROM it is completely different

i can feel the confidence building up inside of me

and i am controling it all

it's all going to be okay

no matter what

it will always be okay, i have gotten through very difficult things and situations

and i can do it again

always, i can

i know it, and i smile when i think about how real it is

baby, i'm ME

and i'm going to show me off in whatever way i can

180

2009-02-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

trait snapshot feb. 2009:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

trait snapshot, date unknown. 2007:
messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous

holidays in oh-eight

2008-12-25T19:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not even going to comment on Thanksgiving. honestly i cant even remember it. other than the instance when my moms brother had a fit about my aunt talking about their dad, my grandpa whom i've never met. it was a strange thing. my mom's sister, my aunt, was simply recalling a time when her father told her she would never go to the prom. it was sad hearing about this since i love my aunt Kathy. i believe she's crazy. in her own way of course which i can always appreciate. and i wish i could have said something, but nothing would have been adequate in that situation since she seems to have recovered from my grandfather's abuse. she never did go to her prom.

the uncles on my dad's side are all fun just to look at. not because they look funny or ugly or anything. looking at them is like reading a story. for one, you can tell that they are all related right away. and second, from my innate senses from being a part of this family i can distinguish a Schmidt from anyone else right away. its my favourite thing to do, and to be in a room full of them is just hilarious to me. every year is the same at Christmas in my grandmas house. i walk in, late because i dont particularly like it there. and everyone flashes smiles. fake or not its still amusing. the day ravels on with awkward cousins and ridiculous uncles. sometimes its worth it.

this year was basically the same. i added a little extra spice to my christmas this year though. not so much of a good spice though. someone important never contacted me. my time is up and now i am officially alone and stuck. i have to admit i'm a little scared. no, i'm very scared. and sad.

i am very very sad.

inadequacy

2008-12-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

i went to the mall today with my sister. we were in a rush. and i think i rushed into some premature purchases like i always do. but whatever.

it was actually nice shopping with stephanie for once because she wasn't lingering over every last item, wondering and wishing over it.

i had a bad run in with some strange people though at a cafe. they were reluctant to give me a free cup of water. maybe next time i'll just choose mcdonalds over them because of their attitude.

what happened to customer service? i know, people are just so fucking fed up with other people only thinking about themselves. i know how they feel. and even though we were both put off i tried to be as nice as possible. i think my people skills are a lot better these days.

i had a good experience at delias though. the lady who rang me up called me "honey". that was very nice of her, and i appreciated it.

i also appreciated the counceler at college. i couldn't imagine having such a shitty job as his, dealing with adolesences all day. its funny, at work i can hardly force myself to give customers the time of day. but outside of work i try to make everyones day slightly better in any way i can. even if they dont notice. i just try to be as nice as possible and flash smiles instead of being trudgey and a bitch. i hope at least one person notices and appreciates it. even if its just like how i appreciated the lady at delias.

the bridge

2008-12-01T08:50:00.001-08:00

Silence, blank, nothing. Those are the words I would choose to describe my mind when I read the supposed subject for this essay. Nothing. Because nothing in the slow progression of my young life has left its mark, tangible or incorporeal, to change who I am in a substantial way. No certain experience has left my outlook modified or warped except for the ones that have done harm to my emotional stability. Nor would I give credit to an outside force for my mentality. I will however tell a story and what went through my head at the time. It only lasted a minute or two, but it did leave me in awe. Unfortunately, I could not consider it as a credible or momentous occasion because it affected no one besides myself. And even then I did nothing with it.
Two years ago I went to San Francisco. It wasn’t my first time, but it was still exciting because, well, it is San Francisco. My favorite place. And I was with my favorite people; my two best friends Jordan and Danielle, Lisa Lopez and Logic (Jordan’s mother and sister). We stayed the night at an incredible hotel, and the two days we spent there were amazing to say the least. We went to Union Square and it was the first time any of us kids to have gone to Haight Ashbury. The people and the diversity were overwhelming in the best sense. Everything I saw was slightly magical to me. Almost like the first time a child goes to Disneyland.
I struggle with the feeling of being undistinguished in this world. Being so small and of such small significance in the great aspect of things. It was around midday when we drove over the bridge. I had my ipod in and I was listening to May It Be by Enya. It’s a song from a soundtrack actually, an epic film by any standards. This song drowned out all other noise, and as it did I looked at the people in the car with me. Jordan and Danielle were next to me talking and laughing hysterically about something. Lisa and Logic were up front talking fast and furiously in an excitable way, smiling and laughing like they always do. Everyone was engaged.
And then I looked out the window to the city. The huge buildings and skyscrapers. And I thought of all the people inside of them, and the people who drew up their blueprints and the people who built them. I know they are engaged too. Somehow, I know they are, even if it is only in some slight way. Insignificance made sense that day. I will steal (and honor) my favorite author, Steven Chbosky’s line "and in that moment, I swear we were infinite" to summarize my thoughts and feelings in that moment. Contained in Lisa’s Lexus we had real connection and I felt tangible significance in that car knowing I fit with these people in their lives as they did in mine. And as we all did with the world outside the windows. This moment did not change who I was, but it did make me realize who I am.

2008-11-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

this is not poetic
i sit and hear the tapping keys
i'd rather hear the scratch of graphite
i am filling myself
and releasing at the same moment
it is dark out but it is day
not the smokey type of dark
or hazy
its crisp and grey
my veins turn to ice within moments
and i know they shouldn't
and wind
i can see it all
i'm tired
mentally
i cant be alone anymore
and yet, i want to be

you know you want a piece of me

2008-09-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

i like to organize
sometimes when i'm bored and alone i pretend i'm being filmed
when i'm at the gas station i'm afraid its going to explode in a gas fuled fireball
i like to adjust and perfect the creases and folds in my bedsheets
when i turn 20 i'm only wearing high heels when i go out
i record and research my dreams
i also keep a journal
i sing a lot in the car
i wore only boots when i was little, and i like getting back to my roots
i meditate
i believe in God but i refuse to follow the rules
money runs through my fingers like water
i'm more like my mom's sister than my mom
i love riddles, and especially their answers
i'm incredibly selfish
i hate cooking but i can fend for myself
i'm stealthy
Arcade Fire never, ever gets old to me
i pop almost ever joint in my body
girls with big tits no longer intimidate me
i'm a basketcase
i'm exercising my sense of self
i want to take a yoga class
i dont know what makes me feel best
i ruin a lot of things
i like people who know what they are doing
i miss being able to run six miles without stopping
flirting is exhausting
i love people who love arrested development, its always a rare find
i'm in touch with my masculinity
i'm more in touch with my femininity
i'm not afraid of my body
my inner monologue belongs in a psych ward
i judge very quickly after you first speak
i'm incredibly indecisive
i'm easily embarassed
i slur my words when i'm sober
i dont try hard enough

i cant write for my life

2008-08-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

there are two things in life that i have an absolute love-hate relationship with. chiclets and cigarettes. and those two things i never seem to get enough of. the chiclets, i love, because of the sugar and the exact way i eat them. purple to green to yellow to orange to red. and the cigarettes because its portable comfort. cigarettes, i also hate, because people critisize me and they're unhealthy. and the chiclets because they're unhealthy and i can get more addicted to them than anything else. they make me feel powerless.

my one personal rebellion; i refuse to clean my room until i can get stoned and do it. there is no better way to easily and expertly express myself than to put my shit exactly the way i want it. it's refreshing and revitalizing. and however bizarre, to me, it's physical art.

the only piece of home decore that i like outside my room in my house is a table lamp. it's absolutely hidious. the base is a large ceramic rectangular prism with brown and yellow flowers on it. the shade is an off white and browning from old age. but the light it emits is the warmest aura i can physically see. we've had that old lamp in my house since before i was born, and it has never moved from its spot on the bookshelf in the old living room. its never switched on anymore, which keeps the good memory of an oblivious toddler running around the room with her sister and her imagination preserved. that is, until every once in a while, i switch it on and that little notion of warmth sparks in my head. and no matter how much i want to take it with me when i move out, i know my parents will never move from this house. it will stay here so when i visit i can switch it on and remember my small life.

when i was young

2008-06-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

i wrote this almost two years ago. and i kind of always loved it.

Life comes at you with speed and agility. Well, actually, that’s not true. You have got a great many years ahead of you. And when you grow older you'll look back at your highschool years and remember all your silly antics and bursts of laughter and smile at your glory days. And wish you had made you life worth while as you sit there on your couch staring at the mind numbing screen set before you, listening to it preach about the pain and trauma caused by other cursed people on earth. Wondering whether you could have really become a surgeon or joined the Peace Corps or how Venice would have looked like in person. And you'll see your brood of selfish children grow up to be hateful and scared against the world. And wonder how they came to worry about global warming when they are only five years old. And then, you will have a beautiful end. Because really, self preservation and survival isn’t all that its cracked up to be when you're alone in Shady Acres Home For the Elderly.

my head

2008-06-21T17:25:00.001-07:00

some times i just feel like cutting all of my hair off. like the girl on the old BAN advertisements. though it would be fun, and refreshing. i know i'd regret it almost immediately afterwards. why does hair have to matter so much? cause it changes our appearance on the outside?

and why is it that i know i wouldn't feel "girly" or "femenine" with short hair? all i know is, is that it shouldn't have to be this way. i think everyone should be able to do what they want with themselves, and get away with it.

my hair will stay in its unattractive non-cut for now. or at least until i can grasp and cling to the few shreds of bravery inside myself to overcome my fear of regret.
its things like this that drive me absolutely crazy.

beginning

2008-06-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

i'm mainly starting this for myself. maybe if i do this i'll get in touch with myself more, which is what i'd really like.

theres something about the summer time that changes everyone at a rapid pace. think about it, you're probably already in summer mode and its only been 3 weeks. i know i like it. it makes me feel more alive. and something about this summer is making me feel older, but i might be giving too much credit to the season itself.
i also feel like i'm learning more than i ever had before in a short amount of time. self actualization is important to me, and thats what i've been trying to learn more about. and that's also what i've been stewing over.
is "stewing" the correct word?